Had a roadbump with the man last night ! (the 2nd serious one for the record) Having just come out of a really rocky marriage, followed by a year of random flings with multiple men, the situation I find myself in with the man is something of a challenge. For a whole range of reasons – (and here comes the infamous LIST)
1. My fear that the man is going to bail (given the experience with ex-husband) because I am – take your pick – not pretty enough, not think enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, too demanding, too whiny.
2. My needs, desires and dreams will be too overwhelming for him, thus requiring me to change.
3. That the overarching “values” will stand in the way of me pursuing what makes me happy.
Suffice to say – what started as a relaxed lets-work-out-together evening, quickly turned into an awkward “I am irritated with you” degenerating into an sms argument that continued online this morning. Granted to a significant degree, I had mouthed off and behaved in a way that prickled him up completely. To some extent – he is sensitive to certain things, and doesn’t yet quite get where I come from. But that’s what working and building a relationship is about isn’t it??!?
My take-away from this ….
o I must not judge
I can’t let my previous experiences cloud my thinking and opinions. I should look at each individual for who and what they are, appreciate and value for all that they are unique. Holding my tongue would also be a value-add in these situations
o I must think through what I do
Sometimes, I can get a little bit overbearing. More importantly, I don’t seem to realize how ridiculously inane and a waste of time some of the things I insist on doing are.
o The man is still here standing with me.
This is a BIG one for me. He has said it before, and I have only now come to internalize it. However pissed and irritated he is with me, he is still with me. Last night, he still sat with me for 45 mins, although he was in no mood to talk to me. He texted me through the night – and finally did engage with what was the matter. He is talking to me and has not bailed. That is what its’ all about – I may be the one who makes a bit boorahoo talky talky talk about everything – his actions speak volumes.
The Biggie that brought the argument full circle this morning (over msn)….
Anu : i still sayang you - u know .. and thats what drives me nuts...
Man : is worth to sayang me...im very sensitive...
wont blast everyday...once blast it will be long argument..
Anu : yes it is worth it !!!
because all of us have out trigger points .. and just this one thing does not mean you walk away from someone...because all of us have our downsides - but to me - the whole of you is so much more amazing
and besides - the way i see it - these arguments - its part of life - makes you learn and understand about the other person better...
the question you never answer - which i never ask ..
for all that anushia irritates you - is it worth being around her ??
Man: yup...
alot of same interest between u and me...more things to share talk..spend time compare to small2 irritates
even most of irritates i can just ignore if only involved both of us...anything involved other person...i wont just keep quite...
That said it all!!! It’s a journey isn’t it – trying to build a relationship with another person. The bottom line – are you willing to stand there and do what needs to be done to make it work !!??!?!
